The Other Guys: Pool of Bethesda

Jesus said unto him, “Rise, take up your bed, and walk.” Immediately the man was cured from his crippled legs and was able to walk.

Jesus left and the man stood there, staring at his legs amazed at the miracle that just took place.

“What the hell?” cried out a voice from his left.

The man looked to his left and saw Jethro sitting there with his arms flung open.

“Seriously Asher, what the hell? How is it you get healed and he walks past me? I’ve been here just as long as you!”

“Hey Jethro, I don’t know how it works. He just asked me if I wanted to get well, then he healed me. Isn’t this amazing?”

Jethro used crawled off his mat towards Asher and grabbed his leg. “I want to get well too! Who was that? What was his name? Can you find him for me?”

Asher looked around but couldn’t see the man. He didn’t recall the man telling him his name, and he couldn’t even recall what the man really looked like. It all happened so fast.

“I don’t see him. I guess I can go look…”

Jethro sighed. “Forget it. I’m happy for you. Maybe this was something God wanted for you. I don’t know. I’ll just wait here. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe I’ll somehow throw myself into the pool when the waters get troubled…”

Asher unrolled his mat and sat down next to Jethro. Jethro looked confused. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m doing. When I couldn’t walk, I didn’t have anyone to put me in the water when they were troubled. I had no one. Now I can walk. I can help you get into the water when it’s troubled, I can help you get healed. I’ll be your legs until you get a pair of your own.”

In that moment Jethro found his hope in Asher.


The Other Guys: Temple Cleansing

Thaddeus walked into his house and threw himself on his favorite chair. He ran his hands through his hair and gave a heavy sigh.

Sarah called out from the kitchen, “Is that you Thad? You know who I saw today? I saw Mary. You know what she told me…”

Thaddeus wasn’t listening. Her words seemed muted. The weight of the day was just too much for him. Sarah came out of the kitchen carrying on with her conversation. As soon as Sarah laid eyes upon Thaddeus, she knew something was wrong.

“Thad! What’s wrong honey?!?”

Thaddeus rubbed both hands on his face. “Today was the worst day of my life. Complete insanity.”

Sarah sat next to Thaddeus, placing her hand on his. “What happened? Did you not do good at the temple exchange today?”

“I was doing great! A lot of people were in the temple, the money exchanging was going great, then this commotion broke out. The next thing I knew, some preacher was flipping over my table! My money went everywhere. I don’t know what money was mine, what money was Philo’s! It’s a mess.”

Sarah sat there with her mouth open. “Someone flipped your table? Why?”

“Wish to God I knew! To top it off, the guy drove out all the animals. My money is somewhere between my table, the temple entrance, covered in animal shit. So I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Did they catch the preacher? What happened to him?”

“I don’t know Sarah. Everyone was scrambling. I should have been a fisherman…”

Contemplations of a Lonley Monk

We’ve been doing some amazing research into the monastic era. We have found some amazing writing from the monks who lived in seclusion. One which was Brother Hairy Palm. His contemplation gives us great insight into what it was like being a monk during those times.

“I can’t help to feel a great ambition inside of me. Something waiting to burst out. All day and night I feel aware. I feel heightened to every experience.

Sister Abigale stopped by today. Me and the brothers always love her hospitality, her vigor, her scent. To be honest, she’s the only women I’ve seen in a few years. I must say that every time I see her the glory that rest upon her shines brighter and brighter.

Abigale’s glory stirs up the ambition deep inside of me. She inspires me even in the dead of night. My awareness awakens me. As uncomfortable as it is, I am moved to act.

I lay my hands to the work. I tirelessly work in the midnight hour. I grow tired, but my ambition grows strong.

When ambition fulfills it’s goal, bliss can be found. I relish in the bliss. All ambition is gone. I can rest.”

Evangelism Guide for Converting Extraterrestrials

To have all of our bases covered, The Council for Christian Evangelism has put together contingency plans on how to deal with extraterrestrials. There were a lot of theological questions that needed to be answered to understand how to deal with said beings if we ever came into contact with them.

Can They Be Saved?
Does original sin span the galaxies? Did Adams fall even touch the far corners of our universe? The answer is yes. We see the result of Adams sin on earth. We see hurricanes, earthquakes, animals devouring one another, and human beings fulfilling the lusts of their flesh. We see this fall even in the observable universe. Black holes are a result of the sin of Adam. We can safely assume that even extra terrestrials have been touched with a fallen nature.

Since we know that they are fallen, the question becomes “can they be saved?” Scripture is silent on this issue. All we can do is lead them into the sinners prayer. If we see fruit of the holy spirit in their life they might be evident they can be saved. Otherwise, we must live in the tension of the mystery.

Sexual Deviancy
From eye witness reports one thing can be said about extra terrestrials. They are sexually perverted. Most people speak about anal probing when they speak of their abductions. For a race so advanced with such superior technology, one might wonder why these beings are so fascinated with the anus. One can conclude that it’s their fallen nature. These beings will have to go through major christian consoling if there is any hope of making them a vessel the holy spirit can dwell in.

Given Over to Their Own Lusts
This is tied into the sexual deviancy portion. One must understand that not one credible report of a female alien has even been recorded. Every abduction instance is reported as male aliens (some seemingly castrated). Again, if we are to convert these beings we must be very diligent. They must be confronted with the truth that homosexuality is a sin, and they must repent.

Advanced Technology
We might be intimidated by their advanced technology and intelligence. How are we to convert such an advanced being? The first thing to remember is that they are fallen. You are sanctified. You are filled with the holy spirit, they are not. Above all remember, we have the written word of God. When all else fails quote scripture and bring them to the bible. It is sharper than a two edged sword.

The Council for Christian Evangelism is very confident that this brief packet will give believers the quick know how on how to deal with extra terrestrials in a smart and effective way.

Whore of Babylon Announced

We love and support Jeff Turner. We think he’s the bee’s knees! Buy his book “Sinners in the Arms of an Happy God”. With that said… the prophets have spoken…

Christopher Witnesses the Crucifixtion

When Fredrick came back something seemed off. Fredrick warned Christopher not to go. He said that things were not quite as he hoped them to be. Christopher never considered Fredrick to be a man of strong faith. Christopher knew that what he was about to experience would strengthen his faith. He wanted to see the crucifixion of Jesus.

After the time displacement procedure Christopher found himself surrounded by a mob. Bodies were pushing up against him as he struggled to wiggle free for a breath of air. He propelled his body forward and underestimated the force he was using. The crowd gave and he found himself on the ground. As he looked up he found himself looking at a few men that were beat, battered, and bloody.

These men looked the same. Which one was Jesus? Which one of these men would be the sacrifice to save Christopher’s soul? Whose blood was worthy? As Christopher looked at these men grouped together, mob yelling, something strange stirred up inside of him. It was compassion.

His mind went to a video someone sent him in an e-mail once. It was a video of an American soldier that was captured by a terrorist cell group. They stripped him naked and beat him. He looked so helpless and so alone. Christopher remembered the rage that overcame him when he saw that video. He wondered where the justice was when he watched that video. It was the same thing he was feeling at this moment.

No! This wasn’t a moment of injustice. This was a moment of justice! This is the moment when mens sins would be forgiven, when the wrath of God would be satisfied, when union with the father would be possible!

One of the men threw up as the Roman soldiers started to nail him to the cross.

A song started to play in Christopher’s head, “And I’ll cherish the Old Rugged Cross, Till my trophies at last I lay down, And I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross, And exchange it some day for a crown.”

He found it hard to say amen to that song in this moment. He found it hard to find anything to cling to or to cherish. This just seemed wrong.

No! He knew that this wasn’t wrong! This was necessary! He needed this to happen. Jesus had to die. Christopher and the rest of the world needed this to take place for the remission of sins.

A woman cried out for Jesus from the crowd. One of the battered men looked up helplessly. This had to be Jesus. He had not been crucified yet. As Christopher looked at him he couldn’t help but to notice the weakness, the helplessness, the heaviness. He looked like someone who needed help. Christopher wanted to help him.

A commotion broke out in the crowd. There was a lot of arguing, pushing, shoving and fighting. Christopher couldn’t see what was going on but he could hear it. The Roman soldiers were distracted as some of them went to investigate this disturbance.

Jesus was unattended. Wild thoughts went through Christopher’s mind. He could help Jesus. He could pull him into the crowd and get lost. He brought some devices from his time that could be used to get out of a tight spot. If he grabbed Jesus he could take him far away from this place. He could even nurse him back to health!

At that moment, Christopher’s faith rose up within him. No. To do so would doom the whole world. Christopher could not let his compassion get in the way of what he knew had to happen. Jesus has to die.

The Roman soldiers subdued the brawl quickly. They started to prepare Jesus for crucifixion. One of the women from the crowd cried out, “Why? Why? This is not right! Someone have mercy upon him!”

A man next to Christopher scoffed at the woman’s pleas. He was wearing what appeared to be priestly robes. Christopher’s blood ran cold. This was one of the men who sentenced Jesus to death. If only he knew who he sentenced to death. Christopher turned to the man and was about to say something when he heard the man respond to the woman, “Jesus has to die.”

A chill ran down Christopher’s spine.

Calebs Gospel Was Too Good

“Your not preaching the bible… your gospel is irresponsible… God is not just love but also justice… Jesus preached more on hell than any other topic…”

All those thoughts ran through his head as he stood before the judgement seat of God. To his left were people weeping, full of sorrow and regret. To his right were those righteous saints who warned Caleb all those years that he was preaching false doctrine. They stared him down with arms crossed, shaking their head with tight lips as if to say, “We told you so.”

An angel open the book of works to which every man would be judged, from the least to the greatest. “Caleb, you have spread lies about God. You have told them of a God too accepting, a God too loving, a God too fatherly. Yes, those are attributes of God but you neglected to warn people of hell. You neglected to preach the necessity of confessing your sin, asking for forgiveness, and believing for salvation. The work of Jesus you preached was too inclusive. You relied on grace and love. Your gospel was too compassionate.”

Caleb threw up his arms in protest. “Are you kidding me?! Where is Jesus? Where is my heavenly father?!”

Jesus approached Caleb with an embarrassed look on his face. Jesus cleared his throat and shuffled around for a moment. “Yeah, Caleb, I’m sorry. You did make us out to be better than we really were. Am I loving? Yes! Accepting? Sure! But only to those who choose me! You followed your heart too much, you relied to much on your own sense of morality. We are good, just a different kind of good. Not your kind of good.”

Caleb rubbed his face in frustration. “I made you out to be too good? I relied on my morality? What the hell is going on here?!”

“Caleb,” announced the angel behind the books with a thundering voice. “You were sincere in what you taught, mistaken but sincere. We have decided to extend you mercy and give you a chance to repent and renounce the gospel you preached.”

A chance to repent. A chance to renounce. Caleb thought over these options. He looked to the people on his left weeping, he looked to the people on his right eagerly waiting for his response.

“If what I spoke about you is untrue, than I would rather spend eternity in hell. I cannot imagine being with a God who would allow all these people to suffer for age upon age. I have to be honest, I was hoping I was wrong about you. I was hoping you would have been better than I preached. I will not renounce my gospel. If its not good news to those people who stand on my left, than its not the gospel.”

The angel behind the books heard this from a few people already. Every time it saddened him. How unfortunate that Gods creation became more compassionate and moral than God himself. How unfortunate that the unchanging God could not keep up with the gospel Caleb was preaching.

The angel slammed his gavel and Caleb was ushered to the left. The angel turned the page of the book of works. “Would Michael approach the judgement seat…”