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Capitialiticus (The Bible of the Capitialist)

Few people realize that the wealthy affluent of this nation of their own bible modeled off of the Christian bible. This is chapter one of Capitaliticus (a rewording of Leviticus). Like Leviticus is the model of sacrifice for the priests of Israel, Capitaliticus is the model of sacrifice for the Board Members of a company!

Chapter 1 of Capitaliticus

1 And the Lord called unto the CEO, and spake unto him out of the tabernacle of the boardroom, saying,

2 Speak unto the upper management, and say unto them, If any man of you bring an offering unto the Lord, ye shall bring your offering of the employee, even of the minimum wage worker.

3 If his offering be an immigrant sacrifice of the employees, let him offer a male without medical insurance: he shall offer it of his own voluntary will at the door of the tabernacle of the boardroom before the Lord.

4 And he shall put his hand upon the head of the immigrant; and it shall be accepted for him to make profit for him.

5 And he shall exploit the employee before the Lord: and the board members, shall bring the sweat of the employee, and sprinkle the sweat round about upon the checkbook that is by the door of the tabernacle of the boardroom.

6 And he shall fire the immigrant offering, and cut his dreams into pieces.

7 And the board members shall put empathy upon the altar, and lay the apathy in order upon the empathy:

8 And the board members,, shall lay the parts, the minority, and the minimum wage worker, in order upon the wood that is on the fire which is upon the altar:

9 But his dreams and his rights shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by greed, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

10 And if his offering be of the workers, namely, of the women, or of the minorities, for a burnt sacrifice; he shall bring it a worker without a voice.

11 And he shall expoit it on the side of the market before the Lord: and the board members, shall sprinkle his earnings round about upon the altar.

12 And he shall cut it into his pieces, the workers benefits and his pension: and the board members shall sacrifice them in order to fatten the profits which are upon the altar:

13 But he shall wash the wages with water: and the board memebrs shall bring it all, and burn it upon the altar: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by greed, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

14 And if the burnt sacrifice for his offering to the Lord be of foreigners, then he shall bring his offering of Mexicans, or of young Chinese.

15 And the board members shall bring them unto the altar, and wring off their future, and burn it on the altar; and the cares thereof shall be wrung out at the side of the altar:

16 And he shall pluck away his wages with his rights, and cast it beside the altar on the east part, by the place of the losses:

17 And he shall makes lots of money at the costs of others, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

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Moses Maggio and the Godfather

“The boss would like to see you now.”

They pushed Freddie through the empty Italian diner and sat him down in front of Moses Maggio. He was finishing up a plate of Mama’s Meatballs. Freddie sat down staring at the red and white checkered table cloth as Moses picked up his napkin and wiped the red sauce off the corner of his mouth.

Freddie was afraid of Moses. Moses was a hero to his people. He lead them out of Italy to this amazing land of the free. Moses also spoke for the Godfather. No one but Moses saw the Godfather. The Godfather set all the rules for the community. Many doubted the existence of the Godfather, some said Moses was making him up to keep order. Those who spoke against Moses were often taken care of and made as an example.

“I have heard some troubling news about you, Freddie” spoke Moses with a raspy whisper.

Freddie shuffled in his chair waiting to hear the charges laid against him.

Moses reached over and caressed Freddie’s cheek. “Have I not been kind to you? Have I not provided you protection? A place to live? Food to eat? A family to belong to? All I ask is that a few rules be followed.”

Moses pulled his hand away and sat back in his chair, placing his arms folded over his stomach. “What’s this I hear about you picking up sticks? Freddie, you know it’s the Sabbath. Yet, you openly defy me and the Godfather by strutting your ass up and down MY streets and picking up sticks? Freddie, your forcing my hand here.”

Freddie lifted up his hands in defense. “Moses! I didn’t know I couldn’t pick up sticks. I needed a little wood for my oven. My wife is cooking a big meal and we ran out of wood. I meant no disrespect!”

Moses sighed. “Hey, I don’t know what to tell ya. I’m going to go back to the kitchen and talk to the Godfather. I personally would love to let you off with a warning. But, it’s not what I want to do, it’s what the Godfather commands.”

With that Moses leaned on the table and pushed himself up. Moses wheezed as he walked to the kitchen, every step buckling under the weight of his body. Freddie watched every step waiting for one of Moses’ knees to blow out like an overinflated tire.

Five minutes passed as Freddie waited nervously. Moses came lumbering out. The momentum of his body carried him back to his seat in front of Freddie. As Freddie looked at Moses he noticed garlic bread crumbs around his mouth and neck of his shirt.

Moses cleared his throat. “Well, Freddie, the Godfather has spoken. He said we need to stone you.”

“WHAT?” screamed Freddie as he tried to stand up, but immediately two men from behind him grabbed his arms and restrained him. “This is insane! Did you even talk to the Godfather or did you just shove bread into your fat face?!”

As Freddie was yelling the men started to drag him out of the diner, knocking over tables and chairs. Freddie pulled himself out of the men’s arms that were dragging him. “How is it against the Godfathers law to pick up sticks to cook dinner for my family, yet it’s OK to pick up stones to kill a man? How is that fair, Moses?”

The men that were dragging Freddie hesitated to grab him. They wanted to hear Moses answer. The room got silent. Moses looked up from his plate. “I don’t make the rules, I just execute them. The Godfather has spoken. Unless we remain loyal to him, he’ll do to us what he did to the Sicilians.”

“No one has seen or heard the Godfather but you, Moses. Most of the people think your loosing your mind! You want me to believe you saw the Godfather in a burning olive bush? Oh wait… whats this…. I think the Godfather is speaking to me…” Freddie reached over and picked up a glass sitting on a table and put it up to his ear. “Yes, Godfather? He’s giving me a revelation. He’s telling me your full of shit!”

Moses stood up and flipped the table. The teetering fat man now appeared to be a towering behemoth. The room felt darker and heavier every step Moses took closer to Freddie. Moses grabbed Freddie’s shirt collar.

“You are the reason we stone people who pick up sticks. First you pick up sticks, then you question the law, then you question your boss, then you question the Godfather. People like you are an infection. A plague on our community. Getting rid of you is cutting off a gangrenous finger. Better for one to suffer than all die.”

Freddie stared at Moses in the eye. “The only thing your protecting us from is moving forward. You can continue to cut off parts of your body that you think are infectious. Eventually you’ll run out of parts to cut off. All that will be left is a stump on the ground. An abomination of a human being groveling in the dirt. As you lay in the dirt not able to walk or even feed yourself you’ll remember it started with your finger. That seemingly unimportant finger.”

Moses threw Freddie into the arms of his men. “Get him out here… you heard what the Godfather said…”

The two men looked at each other waiting to see what the other would do. Moses turned around and paused for a moment. “I don’t think I need to remind anyone here the penalty for not heeding a command of the Godfather, do I?”

The two men grabbed Freddie and dragged him out the front door.

Modern Day Hymns: Power in the Pulpit

Power in the Pulpit

Would you be free from your burden of thought?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit

Stay after church, my message can be bought,

There’s wonderful power in the pit

Would you be blessed, much blessed than the poor?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit

Just give me some money and you’ll have more and more,

There’s wonderful power in the pit

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the pulpit of the pastor

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the precious words of the pastor

Would you do service for Pastor, your King?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit,

Would you live daily His praises to sing?

There’s wonderful power in the pit

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the pulpit of the pastor

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the precious words of the pastor

The Other Guys: Temple Cleansing

Thaddeus walked into his house and threw himself on his favorite chair. He ran his hands through his hair and gave a heavy sigh.

Sarah called out from the kitchen, “Is that you Thad? You know who I saw today? I saw Mary. You know what she told me…”

Thaddeus wasn’t listening. Her words seemed muted. The weight of the day was just too much for him. Sarah came out of the kitchen carrying on with her conversation. As soon as Sarah laid eyes upon Thaddeus, she knew something was wrong.

“Thad! What’s wrong honey?!?”

Thaddeus rubbed both hands on his face. “Today was the worst day of my life. Complete insanity.”

Sarah sat next to Thaddeus, placing her hand on his. “What happened? Did you not do good at the temple exchange today?”

“I was doing great! A lot of people were in the temple, the money exchanging was going great, then this commotion broke out. The next thing I knew, some preacher was flipping over my table! My money went everywhere. I don’t know what money was mine, what money was Philo’s! It’s a mess.”

Sarah sat there with her mouth open. “Someone flipped your table? Why?”

“Wish to God I knew! To top it off, the guy drove out all the animals. My money is somewhere between my table, the temple entrance, covered in animal shit. So I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Did they catch the preacher? What happened to him?”

“I don’t know Sarah. Everyone was scrambling. I should have been a fisherman…”

Contemplations of a Lonley Monk

We’ve been doing some amazing research into the monastic era. We have found some amazing writing from the monks who lived in seclusion. One which was Brother Hairy Palm. His contemplation gives us great insight into what it was like being a monk during those times.

“I can’t help to feel a great ambition inside of me. Something waiting to burst out. All day and night I feel aware. I feel heightened to every experience.

Sister Abigale stopped by today. Me and the brothers always love her hospitality, her vigor, her scent. To be honest, she’s the only women I’ve seen in a few years. I must say that every time I see her the glory that rest upon her shines brighter and brighter.

Abigale’s glory stirs up the ambition deep inside of me. She inspires me even in the dead of night. My awareness awakens me. As uncomfortable as it is, I am moved to act.

I lay my hands to the work. I tirelessly work in the midnight hour. I grow tired, but my ambition grows strong.

When ambition fulfills it’s goal, bliss can be found. I relish in the bliss. All ambition is gone. I can rest.”

Evangelism Guide for Converting Extraterrestrials

To have all of our bases covered, The Council for Christian Evangelism has put together contingency plans on how to deal with extraterrestrials. There were a lot of theological questions that needed to be answered to understand how to deal with said beings if we ever came into contact with them.

Can They Be Saved?
Does original sin span the galaxies? Did Adams fall even touch the far corners of our universe? The answer is yes. We see the result of Adams sin on earth. We see hurricanes, earthquakes, animals devouring one another, and human beings fulfilling the lusts of their flesh. We see this fall even in the observable universe. Black holes are a result of the sin of Adam. We can safely assume that even extra terrestrials have been touched with a fallen nature.

Since we know that they are fallen, the question becomes “can they be saved?” Scripture is silent on this issue. All we can do is lead them into the sinners prayer. If we see fruit of the holy spirit in their life they might be evident they can be saved. Otherwise, we must live in the tension of the mystery.

Sexual Deviancy
From eye witness reports one thing can be said about extra terrestrials. They are sexually perverted. Most people speak about anal probing when they speak of their abductions. For a race so advanced with such superior technology, one might wonder why these beings are so fascinated with the anus. One can conclude that it’s their fallen nature. These beings will have to go through major christian consoling if there is any hope of making them a vessel the holy spirit can dwell in.

Given Over to Their Own Lusts
This is tied into the sexual deviancy portion. One must understand that not one credible report of a female alien has even been recorded. Every abduction instance is reported as male aliens (some seemingly castrated). Again, if we are to convert these beings we must be very diligent. They must be confronted with the truth that homosexuality is a sin, and they must repent.

Advanced Technology
We might be intimidated by their advanced technology and intelligence. How are we to convert such an advanced being? The first thing to remember is that they are fallen. You are sanctified. You are filled with the holy spirit, they are not. Above all remember, we have the written word of God. When all else fails quote scripture and bring them to the bible. It is sharper than a two edged sword.

The Council for Christian Evangelism is very confident that this brief packet will give believers the quick know how on how to deal with extra terrestrials in a smart and effective way.

Dog Church

Pastor Fluffy was a Great Dane. His fur was well groomed and his posture commanded respect from the other canines at the First Church of Calvary Bone. It always took a while for Pastor Fluffy to make his way up to the podium. Most of the members of the church were not interested in sniffing each other, but when it came to Pastor Fluffy everyone wanted to stick their nose in his ass. It was a common belief in the church that one could receive the blessing on Pastor Fluffy if they sniffed deep and long enough.

Pastor Fluffy took his place at the podium. The Great Dane opened in a spirit filled howl. The rest of the pack joined into the howl, every dog could really feel the presence of God in that place. Pastor Fluffy’s howl went to a soft whimper which lead into a holy hush that fell upon the congregation.

Shhlllllp…. shhhhhhhhhllllllp….. shlp shlp shlp… shhhhhhllllllllp

An old half-blind hound dog named Trooper was sitting in the back of the church cleaning himself. Such actions would quench the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit was easily offended and could be quenched. Lapping ones testicles in the middle of service would be the exact action that would scare away this gentle dove of a spirit. Every dog knew this, but Trooper just wasn’t spiritual enough to understand. His motto was, “If it stinks, lick it!” Pastor Fluffy nodded to the ushers and they went to take Trooper outside until he done with his tongue bath.

Pastor Fluffy cleared his throat. “Today’s message is on the power of bark. Many dogs don’t understand how vital this is in the life of the believer. As we all know, God has selected us to live with the humans we dwell with. This was apart of Gods plan. The devil is seeking whom he may devour and sends many people to my humans house. The most wretched of these people that he sends is the mail man. We all know about the mail man. I bark every time he arrives, and every time he leaves. My family is still alive today because of the power of bark.”

A few of the dogs in the congregation barked in approval.

“There is a popular teaching going around today condoning the peaceful habitation of cats and dogs. Such a teaching is a heresy and false doctrine of the end times. Let me ask you, can a cat bark? If a cat can’t speak the holy language of bark how can they be of God? Let me ask you, when you bark does a cat not flee? We must not be deceived by the world, or even by the humans we live with. Trust on and lean on the power of bark. We are the light on the hill. We must not loose our saltiness…”

Pastor Fluffy was on fire that day. At the end of the message the dogs spoke of the anointing that was on Pastor Fluffy. Some even said they could smell the aroma of road kill during the message (this was one of the manifestations of the spirit).

When the dogs returned home that day they made sure everyone knew that they were true believers in the power of bark. Barking wasn’t something they were ashamed of, and if it annoyed their humans or the cats that lived with them, then they had to learn to get over it. The power of bark was the only thing keeping the devil at bay and one day the humans would understand.