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The Epistle of the Nigerian Princess

In a parallel universe, Christianity gained traction in 2004. The letters of some of the first apostles were recovered from an ancient e-mail database in 2099. Translators used the only source they had, an English dictionary from 1913 to translate the letters. Below is the letter and the translation/commentary.

This fragment was recovered from a folder titled “spam.” No definition of spam could be found in our dictionaries, so most translators agree it was a typo for “span” signifying a brief portion of time. We can then conclude these e-mails were important to the apostle as they are a record of an important, yet brief, portion of time.

 

(1)Dear President/Ceo,
Good day and Compliments,

(2)I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly. My family and I are true Christians and worship’s God truthfully. (3)I got your contact through the Internet during our research on someone whom we shall contact to help us.

(4)I am a female student from University of Nigeria, Lagos. I am 28 years old. I’d like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented. (5)I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me.

(6)Well, my father died earlier two months ago and left I and my junior brother behind. He is a King, which our town citizens titled him before he died. (7)He left up to 27,350,000.00 USD with a security company, and I don’t know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere abroad. (8)That is why I felt happy when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money.

(9)I am ready to pay 10% of the total amount to you if you help us in  this business and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this business for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over.

(10)Yours sincerely,
Princess.

Briggs Carter Study Bible Commentary –

(1) The amazing discovery with this e-mail is that we learn the apostle was the President. This forever solves the problem of political involvement for the believer. We know very little about how the apostle reigned as president, as most files from that era are corrupted. But this e-mail does give us some insights.

(2-3) Lead by the spirit, the princess of Nigeria contacted the apostle. The apostles fairness, integrity, and wealth must have been known throughout the world.

(4-5) This verse sheds light into the apostles personal life. He must have been single, as princesses of nations were sending him e-mails for courtship. The apostle must have been single in purpose in serving God and country.

What is truly fascination is the later half of verse 5. The princess states she wants to build (or erect) a foundation (the lowest supporting part of a wall) for the “time coming” (coming can be translated as manifestation or advent) to help in this transaction. The princesses faith was so strong in the word of the apostle she was willing to erect a temple for the end time manifestation of the kingdom. Some ruins have been found in Nigeria that some believe belonged to this temple. She believed that this foundation that would be erected to support the temple would be a blessed spot to begin their relationship together.

(7) Scholars have scratched their heads over what this “security company” is. Security was evidence of debt and company was a group of people. So we can deduce a group of people were being held until this money could be released from Nigeria.

(8) The princess “saw” a “contact” which lead her to believe in the grace of God to reach out and trust the apostle with this task. In other words, she perceived a close union, perhaps in the spirit, with the apostle that gave her the confidence to trust him with a large sum of money and the safe release of those trapped in the security company. God will always make a way and give a confirmation.

(9) The princess shows her faithfulness to the apostle and God. She is willing to tithe and pour into the apostle, his ministry, and his country. Where you place your finances are important. Even though the princess had very little and was in a moment of crises, she showed her faithfulness by giving.

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The Apostles Epistle (E-mail) to Greg

In a parallel universe, Christianity gained traction in 2004. The letters of some of the first apostles were recovered from an ancient e-mail database in 2099. Translators used the only source they had, an English dictionary from 1913 to translate the letters. Below is the letter and the translation/commentary. May the Holy Spirit speak to you through the apostle.

The Apostles Epistle (E-mail) to Greg

(v1) Greetings Greg,

(v2) How are things going? I hope all is well. (v3) I just wanted to reach out and let you know that what you said was dead on the money. (v4) So many people just don’t want to hear the positive things coming out of your side of town. (v5) But, maybe after they consider some of the ideas you presented it will move them to another position.

(v6) Anyways, how are things going with your mother? (v7) It’s such a bummer that your neighbors dumped all that on her. Some people need to chill out and relax. (v8) She’ll get over it. Things like this always seem to pass away after a few weeks.

(v9) Keep in touch, we need to hook up again soon!

Briggs Carter Study Bible Commentary –

v1. Though Greg isn’t mentioned in any other place in the apostles letters, we can assume he was someone of importance. Possibly a pastor of a local church that the apostle visited.

v2. “Things” can be understood as an object that exists and “going” is an act of moving or traveling. So this letter must be speaking of objects that are being transferred from one place to another. Possible Greg was responsible for moving donations collected from his church to a church in need. The apostle has a great expectation that the move is going favorably.

v3-5. Greg must have responded to a situation which the apostle referred to as “dead on the money.” During transfer of wealth, factions (or towns) where formed and strife must have caused someone to be killed on top of the objects in transfer. The murdering faction rejected Greg’s correction, but the apostle was confident that they would soon receive his correction.

v6. Greg’s mother must have also been in transit with the donation.

v7. “Bummer” is a combination of two words, Bum and Meer. Bum being ones rear end, and mere meaning “unmixed or boundary.” So Bummer must refer to the boundaries of her rear end. “Dump” meaning to knock heavily. So we can conclude that also during this move, some people in the party must have invaded Greg’s mothers personal space in regards to her rear end. Whether that was sexual, or an assault, we don’t know. But we can conclude that this move was extremely tough on Greg. However, his faith in God and encouragement from the apostle allowed him to preserve through this. Though the Bible covers graphic contents at time, we can be sure that God knows what we are going through, and Greg suffered through this so we could be edified by it.

v8. What are the “things” that will “pass” in verse 8? This has always been a great contention between many theologians. Some think it’s speaking of the donation. However, in context, who was just mentioned? The neighbors who violated Greg’s mother. “Things” can refer to any object in existence, even people. The apostle seems to be encouraging Greg that even though justice doesn’t seem to be served yet, these people will “pass.” Pass means being moved from one condition, or state, to another. Will these people be redeemed, or moved to a worse condition of wrath and judgement? We can only trust God and his ways.

v9. A “hook” is a field sown two years in succession. This leads us to believe that this is Greg’s second trip. It also means that Greg’s faithfulness will not be forgotten.

What can we can learn from this letter is that following the spirit of God can be hard at times. As Greg was transferring this donation from his town to the next Satan attacked at every corner. There was murder, division, and assault. But, we can be of good courage, for we know that whatever “thing” comes against us, will be passed away.