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Capitialiticus (The Bible of the Capitialist)

Few people realize that the wealthy affluent of this nation of their own bible modeled off of the Christian bible. This is chapter one of Capitaliticus (a rewording of Leviticus). Like Leviticus is the model of sacrifice for the priests of Israel, Capitaliticus is the model of sacrifice for the Board Members of a company!

Chapter 1 of Capitaliticus

1 And the Lord called unto the CEO, and spake unto him out of the tabernacle of the boardroom, saying,

2 Speak unto the upper management, and say unto them, If any man of you bring an offering unto the Lord, ye shall bring your offering of the employee, even of the minimum wage worker.

3 If his offering be an immigrant sacrifice of the employees, let him offer a male without medical insurance: he shall offer it of his own voluntary will at the door of the tabernacle of the boardroom before the Lord.

4 And he shall put his hand upon the head of the immigrant; and it shall be accepted for him to make profit for him.

5 And he shall exploit the employee before the Lord: and the board members, shall bring the sweat of the employee, and sprinkle the sweat round about upon the checkbook that is by the door of the tabernacle of the boardroom.

6 And he shall fire the immigrant offering, and cut his dreams into pieces.

7 And the board members shall put empathy upon the altar, and lay the apathy in order upon the empathy:

8 And the board members,, shall lay the parts, the minority, and the minimum wage worker, in order upon the wood that is on the fire which is upon the altar:

9 But his dreams and his rights shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by greed, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

10 And if his offering be of the workers, namely, of the women, or of the minorities, for a burnt sacrifice; he shall bring it a worker without a voice.

11 And he shall expoit it on the side of the market before the Lord: and the board members, shall sprinkle his earnings round about upon the altar.

12 And he shall cut it into his pieces, the workers benefits and his pension: and the board members shall sacrifice them in order to fatten the profits which are upon the altar:

13 But he shall wash the wages with water: and the board memebrs shall bring it all, and burn it upon the altar: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by greed, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

14 And if the burnt sacrifice for his offering to the Lord be of foreigners, then he shall bring his offering of Mexicans, or of young Chinese.

15 And the board members shall bring them unto the altar, and wring off their future, and burn it on the altar; and the cares thereof shall be wrung out at the side of the altar:

16 And he shall pluck away his wages with his rights, and cast it beside the altar on the east part, by the place of the losses:

17 And he shall makes lots of money at the costs of others, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.

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Moses Maggio and the Godfather

“The boss would like to see you now.”

They pushed Freddie through the empty Italian diner and sat him down in front of Moses Maggio. He was finishing up a plate of Mama’s Meatballs. Freddie sat down staring at the red and white checkered table cloth as Moses picked up his napkin and wiped the red sauce off the corner of his mouth.

Freddie was afraid of Moses. Moses was a hero to his people. He lead them out of Italy to this amazing land of the free. Moses also spoke for the Godfather. No one but Moses saw the Godfather. The Godfather set all the rules for the community. Many doubted the existence of the Godfather, some said Moses was making him up to keep order. Those who spoke against Moses were often taken care of and made as an example.

“I have heard some troubling news about you, Freddie” spoke Moses with a raspy whisper.

Freddie shuffled in his chair waiting to hear the charges laid against him.

Moses reached over and caressed Freddie’s cheek. “Have I not been kind to you? Have I not provided you protection? A place to live? Food to eat? A family to belong to? All I ask is that a few rules be followed.”

Moses pulled his hand away and sat back in his chair, placing his arms folded over his stomach. “What’s this I hear about you picking up sticks? Freddie, you know it’s the Sabbath. Yet, you openly defy me and the Godfather by strutting your ass up and down MY streets and picking up sticks? Freddie, your forcing my hand here.”

Freddie lifted up his hands in defense. “Moses! I didn’t know I couldn’t pick up sticks. I needed a little wood for my oven. My wife is cooking a big meal and we ran out of wood. I meant no disrespect!”

Moses sighed. “Hey, I don’t know what to tell ya. I’m going to go back to the kitchen and talk to the Godfather. I personally would love to let you off with a warning. But, it’s not what I want to do, it’s what the Godfather commands.”

With that Moses leaned on the table and pushed himself up. Moses wheezed as he walked to the kitchen, every step buckling under the weight of his body. Freddie watched every step waiting for one of Moses’ knees to blow out like an overinflated tire.

Five minutes passed as Freddie waited nervously. Moses came lumbering out. The momentum of his body carried him back to his seat in front of Freddie. As Freddie looked at Moses he noticed garlic bread crumbs around his mouth and neck of his shirt.

Moses cleared his throat. “Well, Freddie, the Godfather has spoken. He said we need to stone you.”

“WHAT?” screamed Freddie as he tried to stand up, but immediately two men from behind him grabbed his arms and restrained him. “This is insane! Did you even talk to the Godfather or did you just shove bread into your fat face?!”

As Freddie was yelling the men started to drag him out of the diner, knocking over tables and chairs. Freddie pulled himself out of the men’s arms that were dragging him. “How is it against the Godfathers law to pick up sticks to cook dinner for my family, yet it’s OK to pick up stones to kill a man? How is that fair, Moses?”

The men that were dragging Freddie hesitated to grab him. They wanted to hear Moses answer. The room got silent. Moses looked up from his plate. “I don’t make the rules, I just execute them. The Godfather has spoken. Unless we remain loyal to him, he’ll do to us what he did to the Sicilians.”

“No one has seen or heard the Godfather but you, Moses. Most of the people think your loosing your mind! You want me to believe you saw the Godfather in a burning olive bush? Oh wait… whats this…. I think the Godfather is speaking to me…” Freddie reached over and picked up a glass sitting on a table and put it up to his ear. “Yes, Godfather? He’s giving me a revelation. He’s telling me your full of shit!”

Moses stood up and flipped the table. The teetering fat man now appeared to be a towering behemoth. The room felt darker and heavier every step Moses took closer to Freddie. Moses grabbed Freddie’s shirt collar.

“You are the reason we stone people who pick up sticks. First you pick up sticks, then you question the law, then you question your boss, then you question the Godfather. People like you are an infection. A plague on our community. Getting rid of you is cutting off a gangrenous finger. Better for one to suffer than all die.”

Freddie stared at Moses in the eye. “The only thing your protecting us from is moving forward. You can continue to cut off parts of your body that you think are infectious. Eventually you’ll run out of parts to cut off. All that will be left is a stump on the ground. An abomination of a human being groveling in the dirt. As you lay in the dirt not able to walk or even feed yourself you’ll remember it started with your finger. That seemingly unimportant finger.”

Moses threw Freddie into the arms of his men. “Get him out here… you heard what the Godfather said…”

The two men looked at each other waiting to see what the other would do. Moses turned around and paused for a moment. “I don’t think I need to remind anyone here the penalty for not heeding a command of the Godfather, do I?”

The two men grabbed Freddie and dragged him out the front door.

The Other Guys: Pool of Bethesda

Jesus said unto him, “Rise, take up your bed, and walk.” Immediately the man was cured from his crippled legs and was able to walk.

Jesus left and the man stood there, staring at his legs amazed at the miracle that just took place.

“What the hell?” cried out a voice from his left.

The man looked to his left and saw Jethro sitting there with his arms flung open.

“Seriously Asher, what the hell? How is it you get healed and he walks past me? I’ve been here just as long as you!”

“Hey Jethro, I don’t know how it works. He just asked me if I wanted to get well, then he healed me. Isn’t this amazing?”

Jethro used crawled off his mat towards Asher and grabbed his leg. “I want to get well too! Who was that? What was his name? Can you find him for me?”

Asher looked around but couldn’t see the man. He didn’t recall the man telling him his name, and he couldn’t even recall what the man really looked like. It all happened so fast.

“I don’t see him. I guess I can go look…”

Jethro sighed. “Forget it. I’m happy for you. Maybe this was something God wanted for you. I don’t know. I’ll just wait here. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe I’ll somehow throw myself into the pool when the waters get troubled…”

Asher unrolled his mat and sat down next to Jethro. Jethro looked confused. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m doing. When I couldn’t walk, I didn’t have anyone to put me in the water when they were troubled. I had no one. Now I can walk. I can help you get into the water when it’s troubled, I can help you get healed. I’ll be your legs until you get a pair of your own.”

In that moment Jethro found his hope in Asher.

The Other Guys: Temple Cleansing

Thaddeus walked into his house and threw himself on his favorite chair. He ran his hands through his hair and gave a heavy sigh.

Sarah called out from the kitchen, “Is that you Thad? You know who I saw today? I saw Mary. You know what she told me…”

Thaddeus wasn’t listening. Her words seemed muted. The weight of the day was just too much for him. Sarah came out of the kitchen carrying on with her conversation. As soon as Sarah laid eyes upon Thaddeus, she knew something was wrong.

“Thad! What’s wrong honey?!?”

Thaddeus rubbed both hands on his face. “Today was the worst day of my life. Complete insanity.”

Sarah sat next to Thaddeus, placing her hand on his. “What happened? Did you not do good at the temple exchange today?”

“I was doing great! A lot of people were in the temple, the money exchanging was going great, then this commotion broke out. The next thing I knew, some preacher was flipping over my table! My money went everywhere. I don’t know what money was mine, what money was Philo’s! It’s a mess.”

Sarah sat there with her mouth open. “Someone flipped your table? Why?”

“Wish to God I knew! To top it off, the guy drove out all the animals. My money is somewhere between my table, the temple entrance, covered in animal shit. So I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Did they catch the preacher? What happened to him?”

“I don’t know Sarah. Everyone was scrambling. I should have been a fisherman…”

Evangelism Guide for Converting Extraterrestrials

To have all of our bases covered, The Council for Christian Evangelism has put together contingency plans on how to deal with extraterrestrials. There were a lot of theological questions that needed to be answered to understand how to deal with said beings if we ever came into contact with them.

Can They Be Saved?
Does original sin span the galaxies? Did Adams fall even touch the far corners of our universe? The answer is yes. We see the result of Adams sin on earth. We see hurricanes, earthquakes, animals devouring one another, and human beings fulfilling the lusts of their flesh. We see this fall even in the observable universe. Black holes are a result of the sin of Adam. We can safely assume that even extra terrestrials have been touched with a fallen nature.

Since we know that they are fallen, the question becomes “can they be saved?” Scripture is silent on this issue. All we can do is lead them into the sinners prayer. If we see fruit of the holy spirit in their life they might be evident they can be saved. Otherwise, we must live in the tension of the mystery.

Sexual Deviancy
From eye witness reports one thing can be said about extra terrestrials. They are sexually perverted. Most people speak about anal probing when they speak of their abductions. For a race so advanced with such superior technology, one might wonder why these beings are so fascinated with the anus. One can conclude that it’s their fallen nature. These beings will have to go through major christian consoling if there is any hope of making them a vessel the holy spirit can dwell in.

Given Over to Their Own Lusts
This is tied into the sexual deviancy portion. One must understand that not one credible report of a female alien has even been recorded. Every abduction instance is reported as male aliens (some seemingly castrated). Again, if we are to convert these beings we must be very diligent. They must be confronted with the truth that homosexuality is a sin, and they must repent.

Advanced Technology
We might be intimidated by their advanced technology and intelligence. How are we to convert such an advanced being? The first thing to remember is that they are fallen. You are sanctified. You are filled with the holy spirit, they are not. Above all remember, we have the written word of God. When all else fails quote scripture and bring them to the bible. It is sharper than a two edged sword.

The Council for Christian Evangelism is very confident that this brief packet will give believers the quick know how on how to deal with extra terrestrials in a smart and effective way.

Christopher Witnesses the Crucifixtion

When Fredrick came back something seemed off. Fredrick warned Christopher not to go. He said that things were not quite as he hoped them to be. Christopher never considered Fredrick to be a man of strong faith. Christopher knew that what he was about to experience would strengthen his faith. He wanted to see the crucifixion of Jesus.

After the time displacement procedure Christopher found himself surrounded by a mob. Bodies were pushing up against him as he struggled to wiggle free for a breath of air. He propelled his body forward and underestimated the force he was using. The crowd gave and he found himself on the ground. As he looked up he found himself looking at a few men that were beat, battered, and bloody.

These men looked the same. Which one was Jesus? Which one of these men would be the sacrifice to save Christopher’s soul? Whose blood was worthy? As Christopher looked at these men grouped together, mob yelling, something strange stirred up inside of him. It was compassion.

His mind went to a video someone sent him in an e-mail once. It was a video of an American soldier that was captured by a terrorist cell group. They stripped him naked and beat him. He looked so helpless and so alone. Christopher remembered the rage that overcame him when he saw that video. He wondered where the justice was when he watched that video. It was the same thing he was feeling at this moment.

No! This wasn’t a moment of injustice. This was a moment of justice! This is the moment when mens sins would be forgiven, when the wrath of God would be satisfied, when union with the father would be possible!

One of the men threw up as the Roman soldiers started to nail him to the cross.

A song started to play in Christopher’s head, “And I’ll cherish the Old Rugged Cross, Till my trophies at last I lay down, And I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross, And exchange it some day for a crown.”

He found it hard to say amen to that song in this moment. He found it hard to find anything to cling to or to cherish. This just seemed wrong.

No! He knew that this wasn’t wrong! This was necessary! He needed this to happen. Jesus had to die. Christopher and the rest of the world needed this to take place for the remission of sins.

A woman cried out for Jesus from the crowd. One of the battered men looked up helplessly. This had to be Jesus. He had not been crucified yet. As Christopher looked at him he couldn’t help but to notice the weakness, the helplessness, the heaviness. He looked like someone who needed help. Christopher wanted to help him.

A commotion broke out in the crowd. There was a lot of arguing, pushing, shoving and fighting. Christopher couldn’t see what was going on but he could hear it. The Roman soldiers were distracted as some of them went to investigate this disturbance.

Jesus was unattended. Wild thoughts went through Christopher’s mind. He could help Jesus. He could pull him into the crowd and get lost. He brought some devices from his time that could be used to get out of a tight spot. If he grabbed Jesus he could take him far away from this place. He could even nurse him back to health!

At that moment, Christopher’s faith rose up within him. No. To do so would doom the whole world. Christopher could not let his compassion get in the way of what he knew had to happen. Jesus has to die.

The Roman soldiers subdued the brawl quickly. They started to prepare Jesus for crucifixion. One of the women from the crowd cried out, “Why? Why? This is not right! Someone have mercy upon him!”

A man next to Christopher scoffed at the woman’s pleas. He was wearing what appeared to be priestly robes. Christopher’s blood ran cold. This was one of the men who sentenced Jesus to death. If only he knew who he sentenced to death. Christopher turned to the man and was about to say something when he heard the man respond to the woman, “Jesus has to die.”

A chill ran down Christopher’s spine.

Calebs Gospel Was Too Good

“Your not preaching the bible… your gospel is irresponsible… God is not just love but also justice… Jesus preached more on hell than any other topic…”

All those thoughts ran through his head as he stood before the judgement seat of God. To his left were people weeping, full of sorrow and regret. To his right were those righteous saints who warned Caleb all those years that he was preaching false doctrine. They stared him down with arms crossed, shaking their head with tight lips as if to say, “We told you so.”

An angel open the book of works to which every man would be judged, from the least to the greatest. “Caleb, you have spread lies about God. You have told them of a God too accepting, a God too loving, a God too fatherly. Yes, those are attributes of God but you neglected to warn people of hell. You neglected to preach the necessity of confessing your sin, asking for forgiveness, and believing for salvation. The work of Jesus you preached was too inclusive. You relied on grace and love. Your gospel was too compassionate.”

Caleb threw up his arms in protest. “Are you kidding me?! Where is Jesus? Where is my heavenly father?!”

Jesus approached Caleb with an embarrassed look on his face. Jesus cleared his throat and shuffled around for a moment. “Yeah, Caleb, I’m sorry. You did make us out to be better than we really were. Am I loving? Yes! Accepting? Sure! But only to those who choose me! You followed your heart too much, you relied to much on your own sense of morality. We are good, just a different kind of good. Not your kind of good.”

Caleb rubbed his face in frustration. “I made you out to be too good? I relied on my morality? What the hell is going on here?!”

“Caleb,” announced the angel behind the books with a thundering voice. “You were sincere in what you taught, mistaken but sincere. We have decided to extend you mercy and give you a chance to repent and renounce the gospel you preached.”

A chance to repent. A chance to renounce. Caleb thought over these options. He looked to the people on his left weeping, he looked to the people on his right eagerly waiting for his response.

“If what I spoke about you is untrue, than I would rather spend eternity in hell. I cannot imagine being with a God who would allow all these people to suffer for age upon age. I have to be honest, I was hoping I was wrong about you. I was hoping you would have been better than I preached. I will not renounce my gospel. If its not good news to those people who stand on my left, than its not the gospel.”

The angel behind the books heard this from a few people already. Every time it saddened him. How unfortunate that Gods creation became more compassionate and moral than God himself. How unfortunate that the unchanging God could not keep up with the gospel Caleb was preaching.

The angel slammed his gavel and Caleb was ushered to the left. The angel turned the page of the book of works. “Would Michael approach the judgement seat…”