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Calebs Gospel Was Too Good

“Your not preaching the bible… your gospel is irresponsible… God is not just love but also justice… Jesus preached more on hell than any other topic…”

All those thoughts ran through his head as he stood before the judgement seat of God. To his left were people weeping, full of sorrow and regret. To his right were those righteous saints who warned Caleb all those years that he was preaching false doctrine. They stared him down with arms crossed, shaking their head with tight lips as if to say, “We told you so.”

An angel open the book of works to which every man would be judged, from the least to the greatest. “Caleb, you have spread lies about God. You have told them of a God too accepting, a God too loving, a God too fatherly. Yes, those are attributes of God but you neglected to warn people of hell. You neglected to preach the necessity of confessing your sin, asking for forgiveness, and believing for salvation. The work of Jesus you preached was too inclusive. You relied on grace and love. Your gospel was too compassionate.”

Caleb threw up his arms in protest. “Are you kidding me?! Where is Jesus? Where is my heavenly father?!”

Jesus approached Caleb with an embarrassed look on his face. Jesus cleared his throat and shuffled around for a moment. “Yeah, Caleb, I’m sorry. You did make us out to be better than we really were. Am I loving? Yes! Accepting? Sure! But only to those who choose me! You followed your heart too much, you relied to much on your own sense of morality. We are good, just a different kind of good. Not your kind of good.”

Caleb rubbed his face in frustration. “I made you out to be too good? I relied on my morality? What the hell is going on here?!”

“Caleb,” announced the angel behind the books with a thundering voice. “You were sincere in what you taught, mistaken but sincere. We have decided to extend you mercy and give you a chance to repent and renounce the gospel you preached.”

A chance to repent. A chance to renounce. Caleb thought over these options. He looked to the people on his left weeping, he looked to the people on his right eagerly waiting for his response.

“If what I spoke about you is untrue, than I would rather spend eternity in hell. I cannot imagine being with a God who would allow all these people to suffer for age upon age. I have to be honest, I was hoping I was wrong about you. I was hoping you would have been better than I preached. I will not renounce my gospel. If its not good news to those people who stand on my left, than its not the gospel.”

The angel behind the books heard this from a few people already. Every time it saddened him. How unfortunate that Gods creation became more compassionate and moral than God himself. How unfortunate that the unchanging God could not keep up with the gospel Caleb was preaching.

The angel slammed his gavel and Caleb was ushered to the left. The angel turned the page of the book of works. “Would Michael approach the judgement seat…”

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An Angel’s Judgement

“Know ye not that we shall judge angels?” – 1 Corinthians 6:3

The smoke cleared, the final judgement for humanity has been completed. Death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. One last judgement remained. It was the judgement that every angel feared since Paul uttered those words, “Know ye not that we shall judge angels?” At that spoken word every head in heaven turned to Jesus, where he sheepishly shrugged. But now that day had come. So far it hasn’t been good for the heavenly hosts. Humanity has not been as merciful as one would have liked…

“For the next order of business, would Seraphim Raziel please step forward. You will be judged this day by Vivian Karmichael of Crow Hill, Tennessee.”

Raziel stepped forward, wings glowing in majesty. He burned blue with flames of holy fire. His eyes green like emeralds. Hanging from his side was a sword forged from the bones of the mighty Leviathan. For years he had served as a keeper of the mysteries of God. Today his eternal purpose would be judged.

Vivian Karmichael stepped forward. Wearing a floral dress, white gloves, and hair styled high in classic bee-hive fashion. Her skin wrinkled, her lips puckered as if she ate something sour, and her eyes squinted. As she walked towards Raziel she scrutinized him from top to bottom.

Vivian placed her hand on her chin, “How do you plead, Rachel?”

Raziel opened his mouth, and words thundered out like a heard of buffalo, “Vivian. My name is Raziel, not Rachel, though I can understand the confusion. As for my plead, I have faithfully served The Lord since my creation. I have kept the mysteries of God locked away and I have protected them with my eternal life. I never strayed and never faulted. It has been an honor to serve The Lord, and humanity with this task. I request admittance into the new heavens and the new earth, as my reward for my faithful service.”

“Hrm…” Vivian was in deep thought as she rubbed her chin. “Faithful service you say? Let me ask you a few questions Mr.Ray. First off, your hair. It’s a disrespect to God. On earth, long hair on a man is an abomination. I never seen any real man of God with long hair. So, if you wanted to serve God faithfully, maybe you should have thought about how you are presenting yourself. Not only that, but your too bright. I can’t even look at you without my eyes hurting. Seems kind of prideful to me.”

Raziel never thought about how he looked. He reached his hand up and touched his hair. It was long. “Vivian, I beg you to have an open mind. Angels are not like earthly men. I was created like this. My hair doesn’t grow, it just is. As for my brightness, I reflect the glory of God. His brightness is my brightness.”

Vivian huffed. “Well, you don’t take criticism very well. All I’m suggesting is a haircut, and dim down a little bit. You said you were a keeper of mysteries? Well, I don’t see how you effectively performed that job. In 1959 I could not find my purse. I had just got of the train and I needed money to buy a ticket to the next station. I had to wait at that station for 4 hours until my husband could pick me up after his shift from work was over. That was one of the worse days of my life. I prayed and prayed, but I never found it. I know I had it right in my lap! I told the conductor, and he assured me no one turned in a purse. I always thought he stole it. But I couldn’t prove anything. Where were you then?”

Raziel placed his hand on his chest and humbly replied, “Vivian. I am sorry for your misfortune. I think you are confused on what my job was. I wasn’t the revealer of mysteries, but the keeper of them. It was my job to guard Gods mysteries from being discovered until the right time.”

Vivian looked shocked. “Oh! I see! So it was your job to keep me from finding my purpose? Whats the point of having all these abilities if you cant help me? Where were you when I needed you?”

“Vivian, it was not my job to keep any of your possessions from you. My job rarely intersected with humanity. It’s a complicated matter and…”

But Raziel was cut of by Vivian. “Well it’s not that complicated Ray. I am the one judging you, remember. So obviously I am well equipped to handle this.”

“I in no way meant any insult. I wanted to let you know I am unaware of the details of your life. I was not assigned to help you in anyway. For any misfortune in your life, I apologize. But having endured to the end and with a new heaven and earth to look forward to, surely you can look past these minor details.”

“Excuse me, sir? Minor details?” Vivian put one hand on her hip and pointed the other at Raziel, “Young man, you have no idea what its like to wait at a train station for 4 hours! I could have been kidnapped, or killed! If you would have not been keeping secrets from me, and instead helped me out, maybe I could enjoy eternity! But my purse isn’t in the new earth and heavens! It was destroyed WHEREVER it was on the old earth. So, no, not a minor detail.”

Raziel stood there at a loss of words. He had conquered the Leviathan, helped battle legions of dark angels, yet he was no match for Vivian Karmichael from Crow Hill, Tennessee.

“I am ready to pronounce judgement,” declared Vivian. “I judge Ray guilty for negligence, and dishonoring God with his appearance. Ray, you must hereby find my purse. Once you find my purse, you will be allowed to enter into the new creation. Until then, get to work. You’ve been loafing around for too long, it’s time you did some real work and learned what serving humanity it really about.”

Raziel thought to himself, if this is what serving humanity was like, maybe he picked the wrong side. The new heaven and earth didn’t look too appealing anymore.

Guardian Angel’s Resignation Notice

March 28th, 2012

Harachel, Guardian Angel
Believer Protective Services
2997 West Pearl Gate, Ave
South Heaven, Cloud 6

Dear Heaven Resources Department:

Please accept this written statement as an advance notice of my resignation from Believer Protective Services as a Guardian Angel. My last working day will be 2 weeks from this notice. That should be suffice to find another angel to pick up my cases.

The decision to leave BPS after almost 2000 years of service has not come easy. I love my co-workers. However, the current goals and evaluations I have received are unfair to say the least. I have voiced my complaints to my supervisors, but upon seeing little change I have decided to leave in good conscious. I will let my grievances be known in writing.

First, it’s near impossible for us to watch the female humans every hour. After the Nephilim debacle that lead to the flood of the entire world, you could say fear of being tempted has kept us at a comfortable distance. While they shower I worry if they might slip in the shower and need help, but then I want to give them their privacy as well! We just can’t win. I would have liked to have seen some female angels created, but we all know everything up here is a sausage fest. I say that in great respects.

Second, the difficulties of being a guardian in third world countries is impossible. While assigned to the more developed nations, its easy to prevent a car accident, help with winning lotto numbers, and lead someone to their lost keys or wallet. I find it harder to help the mother find food for her starving children. They cry out and I have no resources to help them. I would suggest to shift funding from the New Jerusalem building project to the famine issue in these underdeveloped nations.

Finally, the job has become obsolete. Let’s be honest here, what can we do anymore? No matter how hard I try, my humans always end up killing themselves through a sloppy lifestyle. I spend all my energies fighting imps, demons, unclean spirits, and witchcraft hexes only to have my human die from a clotted artery because of one too many Big Macs! Then, I get marked for that! I loose my bonus because of my humans unwillingness to put down the milkshake.

I sincerely thank you for the opportunities, experience, and knowledge I have gained. I am going to peruse my dream of being a muse.

Sincerely,
Harachel

Sympathy for the Devil – Episode 1

It was a Sunday afternoon at the McDonalds. The older crowd was arriving, hoping to get their fill of some burgers and fries while wearing their Sunday best. Sitting at a booth in the back by the restrooms was an elderly gentleman. Wearing Khaki pants, a white button-up shirt, and penny loafers he sported a trendy ketchup stain on his potbelly.

The elder gentleman looked up from his meal of chicken nuggets to lock eyes with a young man Hispanic walking in the door. The gentleman’s eyebrows lifted up as he recognized him and motioned him to come over. As the young man made his way over to the corner booth, his baggy denim jeans and extra large teeshirt swooshed with every step. The young man sat down and took one of the gentleman’s chicken nuggets and ate it. Both smiled at each other.

“Michael! How have you been these days,” inquired the gentleman.

“Busy, but very good. What are we calling you these days? Nick? Scratchy? I never know anymore,” asked Michael.

The gentleman laughed to himself. Michael always could make him laugh. “Call me Doug. How are the others? Hows the boss man doing?”

“Everyone is fine,” Michael responded quickly shifting in his chair, as if there was something else he wanted to say.

Doug leaned in with a glimmer in his eyes. “What is it Mikey? Things aren’t going well? I’m telling you, the guys a total tyrant. The hell I took when I offered a different opinion was, in my estimation, a huge overreaction. I mean, how you can still be with a guy who treats his own like that is beyond me.”

Michael sighed. “Who am I to judge his action? As I have said a million times before, what you say does make sense. But, its tainted. It’s tainted by your jealousy, by your hate, by your pride. What I wanted to say is that we miss you. You are always welcome back!”

At that remark Doug pulled back. “You ask who are you to judge his actions?! I don’t know, someone with common sense. Is my view tainted? You better believe its tainted. I don’t know if you know what it feels like to be utterly rejected. To fall so far, that every light in heaven seems to dim. All you have is hope that you will be able to hold onto one of those lights. The deeper you go, the dimmer the light. You struggle, grasp, and claw, but its always out of your reach. Until one day, the light disappears. Then your alone. So kiss my ass, Michael. Open your damn eyes.”

“It doesn’t take long to get sucked back into this conversation, does it? In all honesty ‘Doug’, I would think after all this time you would have come to your senses and realize no one made you do the things you’ve done. You made the choice, no one forced your hand.”

Doug laughed.

Michael leaned in, “C’mon. You had a part to play! At least admit that!”

Doug nodded his head with a smirk on his face. “Your right Michael. I did have a part to play. I played the part I was created to play. You talk about choice as if choosing ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is on equal scales. I had nothing but a desire in me to do what I did. There was no counter balance. It’s easy for you to sit smug. It’s like someone telling a drug addict, ‘Just don’t smoke crack anymore! Just say no!’ They can’t help that there is a screaming voice in them saying ‘YES!’.”

Michael shook his head. “Whose voice is that, Doug?”

Doug rolled his eyes. “Michael. Grow up. You’ve been watching too many TV preachers. Thats the voice of freedom. It’s funny how people talk about how special the freedom of choice is. They value the idea that they are not robots. And yet, they all scapegoat the one who made it all possible.”

Michael responded, “So now your taking the credit for free will? Why can’t you see this is what you always do? You twist it to be all about you?”

Doug looked down and placed a chicken nugget in his mouth. “Thats because it is, Michael.”