Archive | August 2014

Modern Day Hymns: Power in the Pulpit

Power in the Pulpit

Would you be free from your burden of thought?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit

Stay after church, my message can be bought,

There’s wonderful power in the pit

Would you be blessed, much blessed than the poor?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit

Just give me some money and you’ll have more and more,

There’s wonderful power in the pit

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the pulpit of the pastor

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the precious words of the pastor

Would you do service for Pastor, your King?

There’s power in the pulpit, power in the pulpit,

Would you live daily His praises to sing?

There’s wonderful power in the pit

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the pulpit of the pastor

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the precious words of the pastor

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The Other Guys: Pool of Bethesda

Jesus said unto him, “Rise, take up your bed, and walk.” Immediately the man was cured from his crippled legs and was able to walk.

Jesus left and the man stood there, staring at his legs amazed at the miracle that just took place.

“What the hell?” cried out a voice from his left.

The man looked to his left and saw Jethro sitting there with his arms flung open.

“Seriously Asher, what the hell? How is it you get healed and he walks past me? I’ve been here just as long as you!”

“Hey Jethro, I don’t know how it works. He just asked me if I wanted to get well, then he healed me. Isn’t this amazing?”

Jethro used crawled off his mat towards Asher and grabbed his leg. “I want to get well too! Who was that? What was his name? Can you find him for me?”

Asher looked around but couldn’t see the man. He didn’t recall the man telling him his name, and he couldn’t even recall what the man really looked like. It all happened so fast.

“I don’t see him. I guess I can go look…”

Jethro sighed. “Forget it. I’m happy for you. Maybe this was something God wanted for you. I don’t know. I’ll just wait here. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe I’ll somehow throw myself into the pool when the waters get troubled…”

Asher unrolled his mat and sat down next to Jethro. Jethro looked confused. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m doing. When I couldn’t walk, I didn’t have anyone to put me in the water when they were troubled. I had no one. Now I can walk. I can help you get into the water when it’s troubled, I can help you get healed. I’ll be your legs until you get a pair of your own.”

In that moment Jethro found his hope in Asher.

The Other Guys: Temple Cleansing

Thaddeus walked into his house and threw himself on his favorite chair. He ran his hands through his hair and gave a heavy sigh.

Sarah called out from the kitchen, “Is that you Thad? You know who I saw today? I saw Mary. You know what she told me…”

Thaddeus wasn’t listening. Her words seemed muted. The weight of the day was just too much for him. Sarah came out of the kitchen carrying on with her conversation. As soon as Sarah laid eyes upon Thaddeus, she knew something was wrong.

“Thad! What’s wrong honey?!?”

Thaddeus rubbed both hands on his face. “Today was the worst day of my life. Complete insanity.”

Sarah sat next to Thaddeus, placing her hand on his. “What happened? Did you not do good at the temple exchange today?”

“I was doing great! A lot of people were in the temple, the money exchanging was going great, then this commotion broke out. The next thing I knew, some preacher was flipping over my table! My money went everywhere. I don’t know what money was mine, what money was Philo’s! It’s a mess.”

Sarah sat there with her mouth open. “Someone flipped your table? Why?”

“Wish to God I knew! To top it off, the guy drove out all the animals. My money is somewhere between my table, the temple entrance, covered in animal shit. So I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Did they catch the preacher? What happened to him?”

“I don’t know Sarah. Everyone was scrambling. I should have been a fisherman…”

Contemplations of a Lonley Monk

We’ve been doing some amazing research into the monastic era. We have found some amazing writing from the monks who lived in seclusion. One which was Brother Hairy Palm. His contemplation gives us great insight into what it was like being a monk during those times.

“I can’t help to feel a great ambition inside of me. Something waiting to burst out. All day and night I feel aware. I feel heightened to every experience.

Sister Abigale stopped by today. Me and the brothers always love her hospitality, her vigor, her scent. To be honest, she’s the only women I’ve seen in a few years. I must say that every time I see her the glory that rest upon her shines brighter and brighter.

Abigale’s glory stirs up the ambition deep inside of me. She inspires me even in the dead of night. My awareness awakens me. As uncomfortable as it is, I am moved to act.

I lay my hands to the work. I tirelessly work in the midnight hour. I grow tired, but my ambition grows strong.

When ambition fulfills it’s goal, bliss can be found. I relish in the bliss. All ambition is gone. I can rest.”

Evangelism Guide for Converting Extraterrestrials

To have all of our bases covered, The Council for Christian Evangelism has put together contingency plans on how to deal with extraterrestrials. There were a lot of theological questions that needed to be answered to understand how to deal with said beings if we ever came into contact with them.

Can They Be Saved?
Does original sin span the galaxies? Did Adams fall even touch the far corners of our universe? The answer is yes. We see the result of Adams sin on earth. We see hurricanes, earthquakes, animals devouring one another, and human beings fulfilling the lusts of their flesh. We see this fall even in the observable universe. Black holes are a result of the sin of Adam. We can safely assume that even extra terrestrials have been touched with a fallen nature.

Since we know that they are fallen, the question becomes “can they be saved?” Scripture is silent on this issue. All we can do is lead them into the sinners prayer. If we see fruit of the holy spirit in their life they might be evident they can be saved. Otherwise, we must live in the tension of the mystery.

Sexual Deviancy
From eye witness reports one thing can be said about extra terrestrials. They are sexually perverted. Most people speak about anal probing when they speak of their abductions. For a race so advanced with such superior technology, one might wonder why these beings are so fascinated with the anus. One can conclude that it’s their fallen nature. These beings will have to go through major christian consoling if there is any hope of making them a vessel the holy spirit can dwell in.

Given Over to Their Own Lusts
This is tied into the sexual deviancy portion. One must understand that not one credible report of a female alien has even been recorded. Every abduction instance is reported as male aliens (some seemingly castrated). Again, if we are to convert these beings we must be very diligent. They must be confronted with the truth that homosexuality is a sin, and they must repent.

Advanced Technology
We might be intimidated by their advanced technology and intelligence. How are we to convert such an advanced being? The first thing to remember is that they are fallen. You are sanctified. You are filled with the holy spirit, they are not. Above all remember, we have the written word of God. When all else fails quote scripture and bring them to the bible. It is sharper than a two edged sword.

The Council for Christian Evangelism is very confident that this brief packet will give believers the quick know how on how to deal with extra terrestrials in a smart and effective way.