Archive | June 2014

Dog Church

Pastor Fluffy was a Great Dane. His fur was well groomed and his posture commanded respect from the other canines at the First Church of Calvary Bone. It always took a while for Pastor Fluffy to make his way up to the podium. Most of the members of the church were not interested in sniffing each other, but when it came to Pastor Fluffy everyone wanted to stick their nose in his ass. It was a common belief in the church that one could receive the blessing on Pastor Fluffy if they sniffed deep and long enough.

Pastor Fluffy took his place at the podium. The Great Dane opened in a spirit filled howl. The rest of the pack joined into the howl, every dog could really feel the presence of God in that place. Pastor Fluffy’s howl went to a soft whimper which lead into a holy hush that fell upon the congregation.

Shhlllllp…. shhhhhhhhhllllllp….. shlp shlp shlp… shhhhhhllllllllp

An old half-blind hound dog named Trooper was sitting in the back of the church cleaning himself. Such actions would quench the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit was easily offended and could be quenched. Lapping ones testicles in the middle of service would be the exact action that would scare away this gentle dove of a spirit. Every dog knew this, but Trooper just wasn’t spiritual enough to understand. His motto was, “If it stinks, lick it!” Pastor Fluffy nodded to the ushers and they went to take Trooper outside until he done with his tongue bath.

Pastor Fluffy cleared his throat. “Today’s message is on the power of bark. Many dogs don’t understand how vital this is in the life of the believer. As we all know, God has selected us to live with the humans we dwell with. This was apart of Gods plan. The devil is seeking whom he may devour and sends many people to my humans house. The most wretched of these people that he sends is the mail man. We all know about the mail man. I bark every time he arrives, and every time he leaves. My family is still alive today because of the power of bark.”

A few of the dogs in the congregation barked in approval.

“There is a popular teaching going around today condoning the peaceful habitation of cats and dogs. Such a teaching is a heresy and false doctrine of the end times. Let me ask you, can a cat bark? If a cat can’t speak the holy language of bark how can they be of God? Let me ask you, when you bark does a cat not flee? We must not be deceived by the world, or even by the humans we live with. Trust on and lean on the power of bark. We are the light on the hill. We must not loose our saltiness…”

Pastor Fluffy was on fire that day. At the end of the message the dogs spoke of the anointing that was on Pastor Fluffy. Some even said they could smell the aroma of road kill during the message (this was one of the manifestations of the spirit).

When the dogs returned home that day they made sure everyone knew that they were true believers in the power of bark. Barking wasn’t something they were ashamed of, and if it annoyed their humans or the cats that lived with them, then they had to learn to get over it. The power of bark was the only thing keeping the devil at bay and one day the humans would understand.

Advertisements

Ironic Preacher Statement 2

“Trust God to meet all your needs! He is faithful and will supply you in whatever area you are lacking! The Lord is our provider and he will never leave us in want. Now, at this time in the service we will be taking up an offering for our building program…”

Spiritual Warfare (Part 2)

Spiritual Warfare pt 2.

While deep in meditation the other day, I was taken to the third level of prophetic revelation in the spirit. The Lord laid before me a catalog from Toys-R-Us. An audible voice then spoke to me, “Behold, the doorway of demonic activity into the lives of children.” As I turned the pages the spirit downloaded information into my heart. He showed me the demonic influences on common toys. If you find any of these toys in your home you must deal with them like a witch. Stone the toy, burn it, or drown the toy at the bottom of a lake. DO NOT keep the toy in your home. You have been warned.

Frozen
A very popular movie out right now. However, the themes in this movie are downright evil and demonic. Let’s first point out the obvious: magic. This movie is about a princess who can cast ice magic. When a child see’s this they will want to join a witches covenant to be like their Disney princess idol.

One of the theme songs of the movie is, “Let It Go.” Let what go? It’s very clear once you watch the movie. This movie is instructing our children to let go of their morality, let go of their faith in Christ, and latch onto the occult witchcraft of ice magic. No ice magic is strong enough to protect you from the eternal flames of a devils hell.

Finally, and most disturbing, this movie promotes lesbianism and incest. One of the main characters was informed in this movie that the only thing that could save her was true love. The movie was filled with strong men who would be more than suitable to be her true love. But, it was the love of her sister that broke the spell. Sister love? It makes me sick.

Little Mermaid
Many don’t realize that this movie promotes Mormonism. Let’s look at the facts: every one of King Tridents daughters looked differently. From a blond, to a red head, to a brunette, to a black haired daughter. The reason for so many different looking daughters is because Trident had many wives.

This movie also promotes bestiality. Ariel is not a human, she is a mermaid. Prince Eric is not a merman, he is a human being. These are two different classes of species. When Eric married and kissed Ariel it’s tantamount to a human having intercourse with a horse. They may display human like qualities, but you must never act on your desire to make love to horses. Even though their main and rippling thighs might remind you of a womans, a horse is a horse. Ariel is a mermaid. Eric is a human. End of story.

Walt Disney should be ashamed of himself. Right now his demonic spirit possesses the staff at Disney Studios to continue to promote ungodly ideas and dogmas. All we can do is wait for the return of the Lord when Christ will make all these ungodly people pay for their mistakes with their blood. Grace and peace to you all. Amen.

Live the Life of Impossibility

An excerpt in The Abundant Life of the Overcoming Believer’s Magazine from a sermon by Rob Berkley.

“God has a special calling for every one of your lives. He has called you to do amazing things. Your life should not be natural. It should be SUPER natural. If your life isn’t supernatural, then its superficial. God wants so much recognition in your life that when people look at your life they only thing they can conclude is that there is a God.

God has called you to do the impossible. God has called you to do things that we could never accomplish ourselves. That’s why he has given us his grace. His grace enables us to live a life that is so unique the only thing people can conclude is that there is a God.

We overlook many opportunities to live this impossible life. We overlook so many opportunities to practice being lead in the spirit. We need to practice this life of impossibility, we need to practice being lead by God.

Let me give you a scenario I do every morning. The only kind of clothing I have in my house is woman’s clothing. It’s a miracle that I leave the house every day dressed in expensive suits. Why? Because I don’t own one expensive suit. What you are looking at right now is a creative miracle.

Matter of fact, every morning I refuse to take a step out of bed until the clothes manifest onto my body. I will lay naked on my bed for hours until the manifestation of the spirit takes place. Now, for some of you that seems impossible. O ye of little faith. If God could speak forth the universe in a word, if he could split the red sea, if he could raise Jesus from the dead, then he can manifest clothing on your body.

Live the impossible life. Trust God for everything. According to your faith be it unto you.”

Spiritual Warfare (Part 1)

Many people are unaware of the demonic presence that lurks in every area in their life. Lucky for you, God has anointed me with a special gifting called Discerning of Spirits. I can see spiritual influences and guide you on how to cast out these demons from your life. I will now discuss three most overlooked demonic influences in peoples lives.

The first demonic spirit I would like to discuss is McNuggitkins. This demon latches onto your intestinal regions and causes excruciating pain and foul flatulence. He is picked up through demonic portals called fast food restaurants. This demon is expelled through rectal exorcism.

Second, Rosa Contianamo is a spirit that slowly leaches onto your finances and drains it one dollar at a time. This spirit is picked up from “Red Box” stations when one rents a dvd. The demon will then cause memory loss. The oppressed will not remember when they rented the dvd or where they placed the dvd, causing them to pay daily rental fee’s. This demon leaves after a month after you’ve paid enough money to own the dvd. The dvd will appear two months later.

Finally, Reasonakkon is one of the most vile demons. This demon will have you think of logical questions to cliche religious answers. He will cleverly have you rethink ideas that you were taught when you were 5 years old and try to make you “grow up.” Exorcising this demon requires copious hours of Christian television preachers to brain wash… I mean brain cleanse you.

As I receive insight to these demonic influences I will share them with you. Until then stay fearful and vigilant.

Ironic Preacher Statement

In the book of John, Jesus states to the religious “Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me.” They had their face buried in their bibles and missed God among them.

Now, if you would all turn your bibles to our next scripture…

New Date for the Rapture

Our resident prophets have come out from their seclusion to give us an urgent message on the rapture… and to inform us of their new line of Holy Water coming out! I can hardly wait!!!