Archive | April 2014

Guardian Angel’s Resignation Notice

March 28th, 2012

Harachel, Guardian Angel
Believer Protective Services
2997 West Pearl Gate, Ave
South Heaven, Cloud 6

Dear Heaven Resources Department:

Please accept this written statement as an advance notice of my resignation from Believer Protective Services as a Guardian Angel. My last working day will be 2 weeks from this notice. That should be suffice to find another angel to pick up my cases.

The decision to leave BPS after almost 2000 years of service has not come easy. I love my co-workers. However, the current goals and evaluations I have received are unfair to say the least. I have voiced my complaints to my supervisors, but upon seeing little change I have decided to leave in good conscious. I will let my grievances be known in writing.

First, it’s near impossible for us to watch the female humans every hour. After the Nephilim debacle that lead to the flood of the entire world, you could say fear of being tempted has kept us at a comfortable distance. While they shower I worry if they might slip in the shower and need help, but then I want to give them their privacy as well! We just can’t win. I would have liked to have seen some female angels created, but we all know everything up here is a sausage fest. I say that in great respects.

Second, the difficulties of being a guardian in third world countries is impossible. While assigned to the more developed nations, its easy to prevent a car accident, help with winning lotto numbers, and lead someone to their lost keys or wallet. I find it harder to help the mother find food for her starving children. They cry out and I have no resources to help them. I would suggest to shift funding from the New Jerusalem building project to the famine issue in these underdeveloped nations.

Finally, the job has become obsolete. Let’s be honest here, what can we do anymore? No matter how hard I try, my humans always end up killing themselves through a sloppy lifestyle. I spend all my energies fighting imps, demons, unclean spirits, and witchcraft hexes only to have my human die from a clotted artery because of one too many Big Macs! Then, I get marked for that! I loose my bonus because of my humans unwillingness to put down the milkshake.

I sincerely thank you for the opportunities, experience, and knowledge I have gained. I am going to peruse my dream of being a muse.

Sincerely,
Harachel

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The Apostles Epistle (E-mail) to Greg

In a parallel universe, Christianity gained traction in 2004. The letters of some of the first apostles were recovered from an ancient e-mail database in 2099. Translators used the only source they had, an English dictionary from 1913 to translate the letters. Below is the letter and the translation/commentary. May the Holy Spirit speak to you through the apostle.

The Apostles Epistle (E-mail) to Greg

(v1) Greetings Greg,

(v2) How are things going? I hope all is well. (v3) I just wanted to reach out and let you know that what you said was dead on the money. (v4) So many people just don’t want to hear the positive things coming out of your side of town. (v5) But, maybe after they consider some of the ideas you presented it will move them to another position.

(v6) Anyways, how are things going with your mother? (v7) It’s such a bummer that your neighbors dumped all that on her. Some people need to chill out and relax. (v8) She’ll get over it. Things like this always seem to pass away after a few weeks.

(v9) Keep in touch, we need to hook up again soon!

Briggs Carter Study Bible Commentary –

v1. Though Greg isn’t mentioned in any other place in the apostles letters, we can assume he was someone of importance. Possibly a pastor of a local church that the apostle visited.

v2. “Things” can be understood as an object that exists and “going” is an act of moving or traveling. So this letter must be speaking of objects that are being transferred from one place to another. Possible Greg was responsible for moving donations collected from his church to a church in need. The apostle has a great expectation that the move is going favorably.

v3-5. Greg must have responded to a situation which the apostle referred to as “dead on the money.” During transfer of wealth, factions (or towns) where formed and strife must have caused someone to be killed on top of the objects in transfer. The murdering faction rejected Greg’s correction, but the apostle was confident that they would soon receive his correction.

v6. Greg’s mother must have also been in transit with the donation.

v7. “Bummer” is a combination of two words, Bum and Meer. Bum being ones rear end, and mere meaning “unmixed or boundary.” So Bummer must refer to the boundaries of her rear end. “Dump” meaning to knock heavily. So we can conclude that also during this move, some people in the party must have invaded Greg’s mothers personal space in regards to her rear end. Whether that was sexual, or an assault, we don’t know. But we can conclude that this move was extremely tough on Greg. However, his faith in God and encouragement from the apostle allowed him to preserve through this. Though the Bible covers graphic contents at time, we can be sure that God knows what we are going through, and Greg suffered through this so we could be edified by it.

v8. What are the “things” that will “pass” in verse 8? This has always been a great contention between many theologians. Some think it’s speaking of the donation. However, in context, who was just mentioned? The neighbors who violated Greg’s mother. “Things” can refer to any object in existence, even people. The apostle seems to be encouraging Greg that even though justice doesn’t seem to be served yet, these people will “pass.” Pass means being moved from one condition, or state, to another. Will these people be redeemed, or moved to a worse condition of wrath and judgement? We can only trust God and his ways.

v9. A “hook” is a field sown two years in succession. This leads us to believe that this is Greg’s second trip. It also means that Greg’s faithfulness will not be forgotten.

What can we can learn from this letter is that following the spirit of God can be hard at times. As Greg was transferring this donation from his town to the next Satan attacked at every corner. There was murder, division, and assault. But, we can be of good courage, for we know that whatever “thing” comes against us, will be passed away.

Todd Takes Jesus To A Concert

Todd was excited! His prayers were answered and Jesus decided to spend the evening with him. Todd thought he would take Jesus to something he would really enjoy, a Christian music concert. Todd was driving Jesus back home, and wanted to know how Jesus liked the concert.

“Wow! Wasn’t that amazing? I mean, Jesus, you had to love all those songs about you. To see a room of people adore you, love you, and sing songs about you! I know you already know, but the spirit was heavy in that place. Did you see the holy spirit? What did it look like during that one song when the whole crowd was singing ‘Holy, Holy, Holy’?”

Jesus smiled, “I’m glad you enjoyed it Todd. Thanks for taking me out.”

Todd looked at Jesus and smiled. “Wasn’t that awesome!?”

“Ya Todd, it was alright.”

Todd held his smile, but was confused. Trying not to let Jesus sense his confusion, Todd responded, “I know that if I had a room of people loving on me like that, I would think it was awesome!”

Jesus shrugged and said, “Meh…”

Todd felt a little panic in his heart. He got one night to hang out with Jesus, and all he could give him was a “Meh”? What went wrong? Was it the song selection? Maybe one of the band members was in sin. Jesus, sensing Todd’s panic, put his hand on Todd and laughed.

“Brother, rest at ease. It’s just not my thing. I don’t like all this attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I would rather people love, adore, and praise each other than some mystical being they can’t see.”

“Ya, I get that!” replied Todd. But Todd didn’t get it. It confused him. It didn’t seem right.

“What bothers you about that Todd?” asked Jesus.

“I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. We are supposed to love you? Right? We are supposed to show our appreciation and thankfulness. I mean, your creator! Don’t you want us to recognize that?”

Jesus laughed. “No. I really don’t care about any of that. I didn’t come so that people would write songs about me. I didn’t come so that people would worship me. I came so that we would love each other. If you love me keep my commandment to love one another. I would have rather seen a two people sing a love song to each other, than songs about me who they haven’t even met.”

Now Todd was really confused. “I thought we met you in our private devotions. In our worship times. Like tonight at the concert, so many people will walk away thinking they’ve met you. What do you mean they haven’t even met you?”

Jesus nodded. “Yes, you have all met me I suppose. But its not in a worship service, or in a daily devotion. It’s in each other. But most have ignored me in the homeless man, in the gay brother, in the lesbian sister, in the Muslim, or in the handicapped. Most people refuse to meet me, and adore me, and worship me in those places. But, let me tell you, those people are my kind of music!”

“I’m sorry Jesus. I’ve let you down. You’ve traveled all this way, and I gave you a shit night.” Todd looked as if he was about to cry.

“Todd! You didn’t give me a shit night! I had a great night with you! Just because the music sucked doesn’t mean the company wasn’t great. The night is still young, buddy! Let me take you to a place I like to listen to music. There’s a little dive bar down the road called The Witches Tit. It’s a little rough, but the music is outstanding.”

Todd felt a little scared going into a dive bar to listen to music. He didn’t know Jesus had such a dangerous taste in music.

Rob’s Desination

“Television Evangelist Rob Burkley passed away today. He is known for starting Blessings Abundance Ministries and was the senior pastor of Risen Salvation mega church in Dallas…”

The transmission echoed through what seemed like eternity. He could hear the words as if it was being echoed through a vast cavern. He opened his eyes. Were his eyes blurry, or was the room full of smoke? He couldn’t tell. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep in his favorite chair with the newspaper on his lap. As he sat up he rubbed his eyes.

“Carol? CAROL?”

No answer. He stood up and looked around. He could make out some images, but he wasn’t sure what he was looking at yet.

“HELLO!?!? ANYONE!?!?”

He felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and turned around. “Who are you,” he demanded.

“Easy Rob! I am your afterlife counselor! I am here to help you transition to the next part of your journey…”

The man that stood before Rob was dressed in denim shorts and was wearing a black button up shirt that had giant marijuana leaf on the front. The counselor was an overweight white man with a receding hair line and a long white beard.

“Afterlife counselor? I’m dead? How is that possible?” Rob was patting his body as if to see if he was really there. His head darted around in a panic and looked at The Counselor for answers.

“Calm down brother. Its going to be OK. You died of a heart attack last night. I mean bro, how can you eat like that and expect to live very long? Your body is a temple, bro!” The Counselor spoke in a playful way, but it irritated Rob. This was a serious situation, and this just didn’t seem right.

“Heart attack? That makes no sense. I confessed healing over my body every morning. This has to be a dream. This isn’t heaven. Where is my mansion? Where are the angels? Where is everyone to welcome me?” Rob walked right by The Counselor in search for answers, in search for someone with a little more authority.

“Wait up Rob! I’m a big boy, I can’t move that quick!” The Counselor hustled up to Rob, moving his legs briskly to keep up.

“Hey man, just relax! I’m sorry this wasn’t what you expected. But, it gets better! Theres no property here, which is cool. No angels or anything like that either. Your friends and family are here, but you have to get acclimated first!” The Counselor reached out his hand and rested it on Rob’s shoulder. Rob stopped, slapped The Counselors hand off his shoulder, and turned around briskly.

“Don’t touch me loser! I don’t know who you are! This is not heaven. I’m dreaming. I need to speak with God! Jesus! Someone else. Where are my rewards? Where is everyone? Get me God, now! I don’t have time for you!” Rob crossed his arms.

“Rob! I know its a lot to take in bro. I get it! Thing is, I can’t really let you see your family and friends right now. You still got some growing to do. You’re still kinda a dick! No offense, but you are. It might upset you to see your friends and family right now. I got to get you ready for this life. It’s not like where you left.”

Rob gasped, “Now I know this is a dream. You watch your mouth when your talking to a man of God! Don’t you know what I did for the kingdom of God? How many souls I lead to the Lord?”

The Counselor shrugged. “No. I don’t. I’m sure you worked hard, but we really don’t know about any of that here.”

Rob, feeling vindicated that The Counselor didn’t know who he was, continued on, “And another thing. This can’t be heaven, because you said I have some growing to do. I don’t know where you got your theology from, but in heaven we all will be perfect. When we shed our flesh and our carnal soul, all that remains is our perfected spirit. So, I curse you spirit of confusion. Begone.”

The Counselor started to shriek and wretch. Robs eyes grew big. Rob pointed at The Counselor and proclaimed, “BEGONE FOUL SPIRIT! BACK TO THE PIT OF HELL WENCE THOU CAMETH!”

The Counselor shook all over. He lifted he head up at Rob, and started to laugh. Rob took a step back, confused and scared.

“Rob, I’m messing with you bro! I’m sorry. It was too easy!” The Counselor slowly stopped laughing as he took in a deep breath to compose himself. “We are stuck together my man. This is what I’m talking about. If I take you to see all your friends and family when your like this, you will ruin the fellowship! I gotta help you grow up a little, bro. It’s not a bad thing. We all gotta do it.”

Rob felt so confused. Was he crazy? Was this a dream? It doesn’t make any sense. “I don’t understand why I can’t see anyone. What about all the people I pastored? All the people I lead to the Lord through my television ministry? They are supposed to welcome me. I was expecting something bigger than this. I was expecting glory, riches of heaven, sights that blew my mind… I don’t get this at all.”

The Counselor put his arm around Rob. “I know man. It’s going to take some time. Your family, friends, parishioners, are all around this place. It’s just they are hanging out with other people too. Like…” The Counselor took a deep breath and said, “Muslims, your Uncle Ted…”

Before he could finish his sentence Rob exploded.

“SHUT UP! NO! Uncle Ted? He was a homosexual until the day he died. He tore our family apart with his sin! He lead my daughter against me and nearly destroyed the work of the Lord! And they are spending time with HIM!? They betrayed me!? I can’t take this. I won’t. Oh, and did you say Muslims? The Lord gave me a vision that Muslims would be apart of the army of the Anti-Christ, and your telling me they are here? What kind of ungodly place is this?”

The Counselor nodded his head in understanding. “Rob… Rob… Rob… you have to calm down man. They learned how to forgive. They learned how to live together. Thats what I’m going to teach you bro. When you get it, we’ll take the next step. This life might be the hardest life you ever had to live. Others it comes really easy, but we got some work to do man. We gonna do it bro. We gonna work through this together. All we have is time.”

Rob put his hands on his head in unbelief. “What is this place? Heaven or hell? Are you God or the devil?”

The Counselor smiled, “Thats up to you, man.”

The Sins Gotta Pop Out Somewheres!!!

Do you ever see anyone with a acne (or as this lady says “acme”)? APPARENTLY its because of masturbation. The sins gotta come out somewhere! Well… I thought it did when they finished…

Sympathy for the Devil – Episode 1

It was a Sunday afternoon at the McDonalds. The older crowd was arriving, hoping to get their fill of some burgers and fries while wearing their Sunday best. Sitting at a booth in the back by the restrooms was an elderly gentleman. Wearing Khaki pants, a white button-up shirt, and penny loafers he sported a trendy ketchup stain on his potbelly.

The elder gentleman looked up from his meal of chicken nuggets to lock eyes with a young man Hispanic walking in the door. The gentleman’s eyebrows lifted up as he recognized him and motioned him to come over. As the young man made his way over to the corner booth, his baggy denim jeans and extra large teeshirt swooshed with every step. The young man sat down and took one of the gentleman’s chicken nuggets and ate it. Both smiled at each other.

“Michael! How have you been these days,” inquired the gentleman.

“Busy, but very good. What are we calling you these days? Nick? Scratchy? I never know anymore,” asked Michael.

The gentleman laughed to himself. Michael always could make him laugh. “Call me Doug. How are the others? Hows the boss man doing?”

“Everyone is fine,” Michael responded quickly shifting in his chair, as if there was something else he wanted to say.

Doug leaned in with a glimmer in his eyes. “What is it Mikey? Things aren’t going well? I’m telling you, the guys a total tyrant. The hell I took when I offered a different opinion was, in my estimation, a huge overreaction. I mean, how you can still be with a guy who treats his own like that is beyond me.”

Michael sighed. “Who am I to judge his action? As I have said a million times before, what you say does make sense. But, its tainted. It’s tainted by your jealousy, by your hate, by your pride. What I wanted to say is that we miss you. You are always welcome back!”

At that remark Doug pulled back. “You ask who are you to judge his actions?! I don’t know, someone with common sense. Is my view tainted? You better believe its tainted. I don’t know if you know what it feels like to be utterly rejected. To fall so far, that every light in heaven seems to dim. All you have is hope that you will be able to hold onto one of those lights. The deeper you go, the dimmer the light. You struggle, grasp, and claw, but its always out of your reach. Until one day, the light disappears. Then your alone. So kiss my ass, Michael. Open your damn eyes.”

“It doesn’t take long to get sucked back into this conversation, does it? In all honesty ‘Doug’, I would think after all this time you would have come to your senses and realize no one made you do the things you’ve done. You made the choice, no one forced your hand.”

Doug laughed.

Michael leaned in, “C’mon. You had a part to play! At least admit that!”

Doug nodded his head with a smirk on his face. “Your right Michael. I did have a part to play. I played the part I was created to play. You talk about choice as if choosing ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is on equal scales. I had nothing but a desire in me to do what I did. There was no counter balance. It’s easy for you to sit smug. It’s like someone telling a drug addict, ‘Just don’t smoke crack anymore! Just say no!’ They can’t help that there is a screaming voice in them saying ‘YES!’.”

Michael shook his head. “Whose voice is that, Doug?”

Doug rolled his eyes. “Michael. Grow up. You’ve been watching too many TV preachers. Thats the voice of freedom. It’s funny how people talk about how special the freedom of choice is. They value the idea that they are not robots. And yet, they all scapegoat the one who made it all possible.”

Michael responded, “So now your taking the credit for free will? Why can’t you see this is what you always do? You twist it to be all about you?”

Doug looked down and placed a chicken nugget in his mouth. “Thats because it is, Michael.”

Stunning New Christian Artist

I stumbled accross this little gem on one of my friends Facebook wall. I gotta say, this guy has a lot going for him. If he plays his chips right, he just might make it on one of those Christian radio stations.

This is William Tapley. Who is William? Well, let me list off his credentials. He is the 3rd Eagle of the Apocolypse, Co-Prophet of the End Times, and sports perfect facial hair. Lets also not neglect he shreds those ivory keys like a young Beethoven.

His titles do rise some questions. How does one become an eagle of the Apocalypse? Who are the first and second eagles. Did he have to destroy them to absorb their powers, like Highlander? Or is it a Boy Scout program for older men?

But I digress… without further adieu… I present to you… DOOM AND GLOOM!

My first impressions are that the music is very poppy and uplifting for such a horrific song of total annihilation. I applaud William on this artistic choice. I also appreciate how clearly his annunciation of each word is. And just in case you don’t understand him, fear not! Subtitles are provided. I would have liked to seen a bouncy ball over the word he was singing. Calling what he does as singing is a little bit of a stretch. Its not so much singing, as it is talking clearly at the right tone. But that doesn’t matter! He is doing the Lords work! Finally, I love his lack of empathy as he is singing about millions of people dying. Very rock and roll of him.

I did happen to find another video. Another up and coming prophet. I think this guy is only a Jr. Eagle Scout.